You grow up. You have big dreams. You rack up thousands upon thousands of dollars in student loans, unless you are that lucky piss ant that gets his or her college education paid for, to whom I say, “Screw. You.” And then, finally, you try your hardest to get a damn job. But no. Not gonna happen. Because, apparently, you have to have EXPERIENCE to get a job. As if your fucking college education wasn’t good enough. Kinda like that time you tried to get a student credit card (because after all, ALL the students are getting them because they are poor, helpless STUDENTS), but they wouldn’t give you a lick of credit without, you guessed it, credit.
So how, you may ask, do you get by without a job? All you have is a degree that cost a fortune and took a huge chunk out of your life just so that you could regurgitate the scientific method, one of Shakespeare’s sonnets, and Freud’s thoughts on screwing his mother. Give me a fucking break.
I’m in this exact situation. And it sucks ass. I will admit that I did actually get a job immediately upon graduating, but that only meant that I spent the next year of my life in absolute hell, crying in my classroom closet and begging (BEGGING!) rich teenagers to shut the fuck up. (I did not use the word fuck. That would have gotten me fired.) I will also admit that I took a year-long hiatus from anything degree-related to pursue a dead-end cake decorating career, which only left me feeling helpless and without any room for growth in my life. Sure, it was fun, but it wasn’t taking me anywhere.
So now that I’ve actually figured out the system, figured out where to really look for jobs in my field, I am yet again left by the wayside. According to all 6 jobs I spent hours applying for today (which oddly came back very quickly), this is how they felt about me: “Reviewed – Failed Basic Qualifications – No further consideration of application will be made.” I failed the BASIC qualifications! Do you know what this means? It means I suck. It means I am a failure. It means I am about to be on the couch, left to my own devices, and watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for the 23rd time…because that is what I do when I get depressed and feel like there is no way out…I travel to a fantasy world and pretend I can perform magic with my mad jedi mind skills. Although, some would say that I live in a fantasy world all the time, I would have to disagree. You just think I live in a fantasy world, because I make it look easy to forget about life’s troubles. What’s really happening inside my head is constant thinking, constant nonstop contemplation of the world and what it has to offer me, what I have to offer it. And then, after one long stride and a huge freakin’ leap, I fall flat on my face, veg out on the couch in my misery, and start all over again the next day. This is my life cycle. This is how I deal with shit.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be going. I have a movie to watch. And a tissue to dry my tears.
P.S. My apologies for this incredibly profane and emo post, but I had to write this. I had to express what I couldn’t say out loud. If you are still here, still reading: Thank you. From the bottom of my poor little achy breaky heart.
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