A Nerd Like Me

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Guest Post: On Cowboys, Burritos, Heartbreak, and Texas Forever

I’ve asked a few of my bestest blog friends to write guest posts for me while I’m enjoying our anniversary vacation in sunny Austin, Texas.  I know you will love them as much as I do.  This post is from Booyah (the funny one) over at Pantsless in Seattle.  Enjoy!

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As y’all know, The Nerd and The Hubs are adventuring to Texas. She asked me to do a guest post to keep y’all entertained in her absence. Sounds reasonable, yes? Awesomely, what she does NOT know is this: Not only am I going to entertain your FACES off, I will also be planting subliminal messages that will steal you away from her blog and over to mine FOREVER. (Forever = as long as I can until you realize I post way fewer pictures than she does and am generally 10% less awesome. I never said it was a perfect plan, y’all.)

Anyway. They are in Texas and I am in Seattle but lived most of my life in Texas, thus am an expert on all things Texan. Texas really might be one of the greatest places on Earth, guys. Sure, it’s effin hot and the politics leave something to be desired (sayeth the bleeding heart liberal), but overall? Texas is as close to heaven as this girl has ever been. Most Texans are friendly and polite, people smile at you on the street and make small talk in grocery stores, and also THERE ARE COWBOYS THERE. Real live cowboys. Who wear snug jeans. And cowboy boots. Cowboy boots with ZERO irony. *Sigh.* *Drool.* *Etc.*

I moved to Texas when I was 8 years old. I honestly expected everyone there to wear cowboy hats and ride horses everywhere. I was half right. I was also in for a huge culture shock. I came home from my first day of third grade, crying to my mother because I couldn’t understand a damn thing anyone was saying. I was prissy and a bit of an early grammar snob and was shell-shocked to discover the way the kids (and teachers) in my hometown spoke.

“Mom!! I don’t understand what they are saying! This kid said he didn’t got no cookies. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Does he have cookies? Does he not have cookies? WHY ARE THEY SPEAKING THIS WAY??”

It got worse. I failed my first spelling test and again went home crying to my mother. I was a GOOD speller, y’all. I felt the injustice of the situation. Mom took one look at my test and immediately knew what happened. My teacher’s accent was SO THICK I couldn’t understand anything she was saying. Example? One of our words was “any.” How did I spell it? “Inny.” As in, “I don’t got inny more cookies.”

I rallied though and ultimately prevailed. Double negatives never became part of my speech and I avoided words like “ain’t” and “might could do ______”. And ultimately, everything there is to love about Texas — the sweet smell of Indian paintbrush and bluebonnets, the hometown festivals, the worship of football — I grew to love.

One of the best things about Texas (as opposed to Seattle) is a restaurant called On The Border. It’s a chain restaurant, part of the Brinker International family of restaurants. You can find them everywhere (except Seattle, sadly). I got my first waitressing job at the On The Border (OTB) in College Station, Texas, when I was a fightin’ Texas Aggie. I loved that job. My managers were awesome, my coworkers hilarious, and the food free and delicious. My favorite thing to order after a double shift? The beef burrito and warm sopapillas, drizzled with honey. Even after I was a happy OTB employee, I would still go back every now and again to have my delicious beef burrito. It was made of roast beef and had amazingly tasty roasted red potatoes stuffed inside with the beef. It was, quite simply, a huge hunk of heaven.

Until.

Oh, y’all. Until.

One awful day, I went to OTB with my best friend Linds. I was preparing to leave for Seattle and we were trying to fit in every favorite thing, one last time, before I left. So off to OTB we went, for farewell burritos. Imagine my HORROR to discover OTB had changed the recipe for the beef burrito. I was so scarred by this experience, I went home and immediately wrote (and sent) the following letter to Brinker International:

Letter to On The Border

Dear Brinker International,

Recently I met some friends at an On The Border (hereto for referred to as OTB) in Mansfield, TX. I love OTB. I actually used to be an employee at the restaurant in College Station, TX and to this day it is one of my favorite jobs I have ever had. I love OTB so much that I never even have to open the menu. I eat one of two things: the Beef Burrito or the Jackaritos (which are not actually on the menu, but were created by fellow waiter Jack. Jackaritos are made by ordering the Ranchiladas and a side of shrimp and corn tortillas. In the corn tortilla, one would put a bit of flank steak, some rice and beans, and a bit of shrimp. And then one would have a Jackarito. And then one would probably say he or she had just eaten the MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER. Seriously.). Now, on this particular visit, I was more in the mood for a Beef Burrito.

Now, dear Brinker, please imagine my shock and dismay when I eagerly dug into my burrito, only to find the recipe had changed. No longer did the burrito include roasted red potatoes. Nay, someone had put RICE in place of the potatoes. I’m sorry, but this is a problem of catastrophic proportions. My reasons for being so passionate about this unexpected and most unpleasant change are threefold:

1) All starches are *not* created equal. The potatoes added a texture which elevated the OTB Beef Burrito above all other burritos. The rice just kind of falls out as you cut the burrito. It’s…clumsy.

2) It’s rice overkill, Brinker. I have included a diagram to illustrate my point. Please refer to figure B. See? You have rice right there, to the right of the burrito. We even had a nifty little saying, “Rice on the Right,” so we would remember how to place theplate in front of the guest. You don’t need rice on the inside of the burrito when it’s RIGHT OVER THERE! Do you see what I mean?

3) Potatoes are a good and inexpensive filler. I realize rice is as well, but potatoes are thicker and heartier, thus more filling. You can really save money on the roast beef budget because you’d need less roast beef inside each burrito. It’s just good math, my friends.

I urge you to consider my arguments carefully. Please feel free to refer to the diagram as much as you need to. I do enjoy all of the Brinker concepts and would hate to see one as timeless and fantastic as OTB fall down to the ranks of Taco Bell, all because of a little rice.

Please have a pleasant day and eat something delicious. Which should be easy because, you know, you’re Brinker.

Warmly,

Alida

I heard back from Brinker, y’all. They sent me a very kind form letter and $10 in Border Bucks. This was over 3 years ago. They STILL have not corrected the issue, which means I am still boycotting OTB. I made The Nerd and The Hubs a list of must-try restaurants for their time in Texas and, sadly, OTB did not make the cut. Heartbreaking.

Despite the extreme pain from what is now referred to as The Burrito Incident, I still love Texas. And, the longer I’m away, the more I miss my home state. And I don’t cringe when a little of my down home upbringing rears its head today. When I accidentally say, “I’m fixin’-a go to the store; y’all need anything?” I just smile. And then go up to my room and play country music loudly. Because, as Cross Canadian Ragweed says, “You’re always 17 in your hometown.”

Y’all have a great day now, y’hear?

Oh, and The Nerd and The Hubs? If y’all find a cute cowboy in snug jeans and boots? One who doesn’t dip but calls every gal he meets, “Ma’am?” I lost him. He’s mine. Please send him to Seattle IMMEDIATELY.

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